Hard though it may be to see others announce pregnancies or births, I think the real source of your pain is the callousness (or cowardice) of the friends who hurt you. He LOVES his class and his teacher, and he has so many friends in the neighborhood. Hopefully that will be the case with your dad as well. I have given this advice before to others: I would give your daughter three to six months to find a job and a place to stay, or else youll have to throw them out. I suppose I dont even know what my question is. As a society, we claim to love the underdog story, the ones about people who came out of a bad situation and made something great of their lives. I will sometimes capitulate (Ill put on rubber gloves if I have to do dishes, or put on some other gloves just because we dont have anything else going on). I dont think this is going to change and I am bereft about it. Guess what? And Cleo Levin, makes much of our special. I know that you love your daughter, and that as she grows youll delight in and be proud of her for reasons you cant even imagine yet. But my son said that for now theyd like some space, and hed like me to apologize to my DIL when we do get together. interface language. Photo by SvetaOrlova/iStock/Getty Images Plus. If you missed Mondays column,read it here. Discuss this column in theSlate Parenting Facebook group! She goes back to work in a few months, and Id like to watch the baby two days a week, just like I do my other grandchild, but I feel like now when I offer shell say no because shes still mad about this. If so, I would do whatever it takes to figure out what that is. (In other words: there is no one right way to handle this! Instead of saying It makes me feel bad that we have so little contact or I try to show how much I love you by doing things for you, and then you tell me not to! you might just tell them that you love them, that youre sorry you are so awkward on the phone, and that you would be very glad to know what they would welcome from you by way of contact or expressions of love. I am a working mother of three amazing kids. Dont get defensive or angry when it happens. ); some people have contact sporadically. Slate has a parenting advice column called Care and Feeding. She has been accepted at four universities and has it narrowed down to two. They mostly manage because they have no mortgage, although when an unexpected expense comes up I often pitch in. This isnt unique or new, and I think you could be overthinking all of this. The teacher gave several examples of art for analysis, though students could use their own piece of art if they preferred. Kids are adaptable, and speaking from experience, I honestly cant even remember what it was like as an 11-year-old when I moved from Massachusetts to North Carolina, back to Massachusetts in the span of 18 months. All rights reserved. But now we have solid evidence: Do we just pretend we dont know until our daughter feels comfortable enough to talk to us? The point is that this wasnt your call to make. The collection features some of the most. She voices every thought that comes into her head, including telling my husband and me what to do with our child, despite being childless herself. Close the door. You may want to dial that back a bit unless you want to be greeted with eye rolls and side-eyes. Maybe they wont end their marriage but will be so ashamed of themselves, theyll do better after that. But I think it is for the wrong reasons. ao tw Howtobuild a land drain. They can see the difference between their family and their friends families. It also seems to me important to point out that if Daisys mother and father have joint custody, the time she spends with her mother is not visiting. Daisy has two homes. Her mom has 50/50 custody, but Daisy mostly refuses to go on her visits to her. All rights reserved. Not to use a popular buzz phrase, but your role in this is to provide psychological safety and reassure him that everything will be OK, because it will be. I went to school, played sports, met new people, and figured it all out without any catastrophes. Ive heard testimony from numerous twins that this is not a good idea because it makes it harder for them to create an identity. But more and more, hes started adopting language and mannerisms that are directly from Big Nate, Diary of a Wimpy Kid, etc., and that are somewhere between really annoying and inappropriate for a kid his age. My Daughter-in-Law Is Blowing Up Over the Tiniest Little Thing. Have a question for Care and Feeding? (@carvellwallace) Interview Highlights. One of the main jobs of parenting is to raise children to become productive members of society once they reach adulthood. As I see it, one possibility of your calling them out on their ugliness to each other and how its affecting you will be a wake-up call. My question is, with my small house, and her breaking the rules or maybe better put, contingencies for living here in this tiny, studio apartment-like home, and me turning 65 in 3 months, and her refusal to accept any kind of opinion, or especially discipline for her kids, how obligated am I to give her such a safe, and free I might add, place for them to live? Any advice on how to deal with this divide? Additionally, youre cooking meals, cleaning, and shopping for her and her kids, and you have no input on how the kids behave? slate advice columns care and feedingconejos river outfittersconejos river outfitters Writing into Slate's "Dear Prudence" advice column, the . At the young age of four, she can be downright stunning. Of course it never really changed. We met, got married, and live in her hometown. And each day we get drama and fighting because he doesnt see the point to doing anything other than simply being quizzed on the words. Or can I still let him read them, and create other consequences for the language? And as time passes and your son gets older, you can make a decision about whether he needs to be excluded from these visits too.). slate advice columns care and feeding; July 13, 2022. slate advice columns care and feeding. Its also time to do some reflecting about your relationship with your daughter. I let him play with my old, no longer used gloves of all kinds. Not only is there no reason for him to be ashamed of this quirk, theres also no reason for you to take it so seriously. Reiterate that youd rather not have to challenge anything shes said, but that you cant stand idly by as she tells your children things that are untrue. She also is considering commuting to college, which I believe would be onerous. My husband thinks itd be cute, I have heard testimony from (perhaps overdramatic) identical twins telling me being named Anna and Hannah ruined their lives. Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. Edgy content focused on teens and kids can easily cause trouble. Reclaim your life and sanity by putting your foot down today. I grew her myself. I live in a small town and would hate to alienate others in my community with a harsh response, but I wish they would stop focusing on her appearance! Thats not the point. All rights reserved. All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. Ill say this as kindly as possible: Assuming she doesnt have any major physical or mental illnesses/disorders, your daughter and her kids have to go. They have insurance so the basement restoration will happen. Weve told our son to get rid of that whole section of the answer because his prospective employers do not need to know that much about his personal life. At the time they were 11, 9 and 7, and I was . Heck, I would even go to a marriage counselor or therapist with this but dont give in. Recently a friend of a friends brother died of cancer. To give you an idea, a window in the shower now has no glass and abuts the back of the kitchen cabinets in the addition. But more importantly, let your actions toward them show who you really are. Photo by Getty Images Plus. 2,018 Sq. Of course children must be given tools to cope with emotionally abusive parents. They've tried counseling and nothing seems to work. (Im not saying this is fair. Im just saying they may be doing the best they can under very difficult circumstances. Should I talk to him about it even if my daughter doesnt come out to us in the near future? Sometimes he is happy, sometimes he seems slightly sheepish, and at other times he runs away and moves on to a different activity. But your obligation to your 5-year-old child, to his mental and emotional health and well-being, outweighs your obligation to a grown adulteven a parent. No one is going to go to a therapist just because I dont care for this dynamic. Its completely ridiculous and selfish in my eyes. (Questions may be edited for publication.). Id suggest family therapy if I had any faith it would work, but Im sure at this point they just need to burn the relationship down and start over. I know families have trouble with names all the time, but Ive never heard of a situation like ours. I would cry, avoid, and hed eventually apologize and say hed try harder. All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. No matter what, dont let this slide. A collection of ask Amy, dear Abby & similar style letters/ advice columns. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Its anonymous! Its because all she sees is an angry child whos headed down a bad path and needs serious help NOW. Hes a 5-year-old who misses his friends and school. And if you and your wife decide together that you dont like her mothers plan, being honest with her is the best way forward. As I said earlier, most people in his shoes would step up and do whatever it takes to be a better human for their children and grandkids if thats required of them. I have met this friend-of-a-friend at a few parties, but we have never been very close, and I have never interacted with the brother. He was raised by his great grandparents and when they passed three years ago, my son-in-law inherited that house, where all 4 had been living. She is constantly yelling at and berating their mother. Dear Care and. Theres an endless list of alternatives for names that should satisfy both of you, and you need to do whatever it takes to find them. When you talk with your son, I would explicitly name the problem with the language, as opposed to focusing on the books: Ordering someone to shut up is rude; stupid and idiot are words that can really hurt people. I dont think she has a chance of making this team. Speaking from experience, I would keep an eye for additional warning signs like isolation, self-harm, disinterest in activities she used to enjoy, etc. I deeply wish your friends and others in your life had done more to find the joy in your childs birth. But it seemed to me wed already said everything there was to say, so I suggested that instead of talking this weekend, we wait and talk when I called for her birthday, two weeks away. Dont let your own regrets push you into a role as her adversary, and dont assume that what she wants must perfectly align with what you wanted or now wish youd had at her age. Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. Dear Care and. My son-in-law works 20-30 hours a week and my daughter struggles with depression and takes seasonal jobs. Al, from Monroe, Connecticut "I'm a single dad to three boys, and I have been alone with them for seven years. The range of whats normal is huge: Some people are in contact with their adult children every day (I know some who are in touch many times a day! Charlie was recently asked to analyze an interactive piece of art for school. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group.. Dear Care and Feeding, My husband and . Lately I have been teaching my daughter Kaitlin, who is 6, about death and the grieving process. Over the last five years, she has regularly told our kids Im manipulative, criticized my relationship choices (to them, never directly to me), and told them they arent a priority to me (which they very much are). ), As to your second question: For goodness sake, stay out of it. And then, it happened. Ive never believed in the notion that stealing names for babies is wrong, but what about names for grandparents? Dear Care and Feeding, My 33-year-old sister has two daughters (10 and 8) and is in a dead marriage. I expect youll eventually find that you have others in your corner, friends who will relate to and understand and support your family, who will care enough to learn what they dont know, who will see and love and celebrate your child and all of you as you are. Please dont do that either. The other is a private college 45 minutes away. Sometimes, this is great (hes really into Raina Telgemeier). I just accepted a new job, an exciting career opportunity for me, about a 2-hour drive away from our home in a big city. All rights reserved. Im convinced there will be a lot of joy in your familys future, not because everything will be easy, but because you love your kids unconditionally and want to give them all happy, fun, fulfilling childhoods. Some new parents have no trouble leaving their infants with a grandparent or other trusted sitter; some hate to leave them, no matter who is available to care for them.) My daughter is beautiful. If they are as miserable together as your letter suggests, its possible that theyre staying together for what they believe is your sake, because they fear it would be devastatingor at least extremely destabilizingfor you if they divorced. Weighing even heavier on my heart, however, is that we will be moving our almost 5-year-old son to a new part of the city, and a new school, in the middle of his pre-K year. Thank you in advance. They average a screaming match a day, often over completely idiotic stuff like one of them walking too fast for the other to keep up with, or cooking with cheese when the other has a dairy intolerance. But even my wife, who is so adamant, isnt sure about how to address this with her mother. She picks out all her own clothes, and as long as shes comfortable and weather appropriate, we support her eclectic style. Care and Feeding is Slates parenting advice column. My Ex Wants Us to Vacation Like One, Big, Happy Family. And you didnt do that. Sins are forgiven by God all the time, so long as you're ready to repent and be a changed person. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. You have to use headphones.". From Our Callers. WhichI am just guessing heremight also be the case. Nelson's Column had gone! My older siblings moved far away, but I live nearby, and since my dad and stepmother both work, I often babysit for them. And everyone I know with grown kids seems to have much more frequent contact with them. You absolutely do owe her an apology, and it had better be a heartfelt one. She is leaning toward the private school. All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. I see you, and others will, too. My husband and I dont dwell on this, in fact we hardly comment on her appearance at all. But like I said, I really dont think it will come to any of that. I find myself going back and forth about how I feel (but also less concerned about the former, more about the latter). I assured her wed be fine and sent them on their way. Photo illustration by Slate. A book based on the column titled Dear Prudence: Liberating Lessons from Slate.com's Beloved Advice Column will be released on April 4, 2023. Im sure many of the readers of this column have beautiful daughters. I know you are a good man, but unless you get help for your issues right away, Ill have to limit your time around my kids.. No, Im sorry. If your husband doesnt like to talk about it, you may never know. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Even if your MIL were right about him needing more help or support, the course would then be for her to discuss this calmly and respectfully with you, not try to intimidate him into being whatever her version of an ideal 5-year-old is. Is there something about your relationship that you think could scare her from talking to you about her sexuality? Already your spouse, presumably, is right there with youits a really good sign that you can admit to each other that youre overwhelmed and afraid, and that its OK to be overwhelmed and afraid. I Despise My In-Laws. Dear Care and Feeding, My brother "John" and his wife have three children. How does one deal with a co-parent/ex who regularly lies about, badmouths, and generally undermines the other parent? She should be intrinsically motivated to do whatever it takes to provide for her family and live on her own as someone who has been an adult for 17 years. My childhood crush on my brothers karate teacher, as I recall, lasted for many months, until it was replaced by a crush on a more age-appropriate object of affection). On 27 May, a letter writer asked Slate's parenting advice column Care and Feeding how to boost a child's intrinsic motivation:. He has little to no family left alive, and those that are do not provide him guidance. countries. Over the past few months, she has developed this habit of saying things like kill me or I want to die when shes not happy about something. Theres no percentage in arguing with them about it. Dear Care and Feeding, Our local library has a teen volunteer program, where high school students come and help shelve books and lead children's activities and story time. My son recently received an award at work, which was presented at a dinner. He is constantly saying that he doesnt see the point of some simple task, that its stupid and easy, that he hates it. Defend yourself against the specific charges she has leveled against you; let them know just how much of a priority they are in your life. (And if you cant bear to be around your sister-in-law, dont. Were having a harder time coming up with names for our twins, in large part because my husband wants names that sound similar. Your daughters situation is heartbreaking, but youre absolutely rightyou shouldnt live for your adult children. Sometimes its in response to little things, like a line for the bathroom or a movie she likes being taken off Netflix, other times its a reaction to more major setbacks, like not getting the grade she wants on a test or not making a sports team. The night of the dinner, she seemed hesitant about leaving and told me to text her if he was refusing a bottle, reminding me that she could be home in 20 minutes if needed. My Ex Wants Us to Vacation Like One, Big, Happy Family. Of course, if you see that your son is showing major behavioral red flags for an extended period of time (acting out, violent behavior, self-harm, etc.) Dear Care and. I told them that they didnt have to worry about that, because even though hes getting older its no more unlikely that he would suddenly die sometime in the next 10 years, but they can see that dads health is declining and this does not comfort them. The other day I sent my 35-year-old daughter a link to the weather report for where she lives (about icy, dangerous roadsI was concerned about her morning commute), and she phoned me to ask that I not send such things, as if you think Im incompetent. I took this as her setting a boundary and told her Id respect that, even though doing things for the people I love is my love language. The baby fought a bit and ended up having only half of his first bottle. How can I support Slate so I can keep reading all the advice from Dear Prudence, Care and Feeding, Ask a Teacher, and How to Do It? New ones are published almost daily. Your family will not be invisible to such people either, and I hope you come across many more of them. My wife (26) and I (24) are expecting our first kid. Care and Feeding Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. Hes always been a little bit behind (within normal parameters) for self-regulating and similar skills, but hes not regressed too much. The court in which we watch the jousting is floored with onyx in order to increase the courage of the combatants. My stepbrothers are 9 (twins), and my half-sisters are 6 and 4. The windows are of crystal; the tables are partly of gold, partly of amethyst, and the columns supporting the tables are partly of ivory, partly of amethyst. slate advice columns care and feeding. Advice Column Collection. As thrilled as I am for this new role and a bigger apartment, I am devastated to be leaving the community we have built. She does, however, like to sneak snacks. Many parents feel this way (and its often true, too). Its anonymous! Her life will be just fine if being called beautiful is her biggest problem. All English Franais. But where your daughters are concerned, Id suggest you be frank with them about your wish to connect with them. My kids, 10 and 7, are both enthusiastic readers, and the 7-year-old loves to read his big sisters tween stories. I have a large family. Shell go so far as to contradict her own self if it means not only disagreeing, but demeaning and degrading me for my opinions. He asks for privacy when he does, and I say sure. In the meantime, I wish you fortitude. Have a question for Care and Feeding? His reaction to her discipline is to escalate his upset behavior. Help! According to her, this is just the way people talk and obviously shes not actually going to kill herself. My husband thinks shes just being a dramatic tween and isnt worried. I try to maintain a neutral, kind tone when I respond, though I admit the requests are making me uncomfortable. At the beginning . Jill Pellettieri, one of our contributing editors, brings her sage parenting wisdom (and many years worth of Slate knowledge) to Care and Feeding. My wife feels strongly that this is a kind of appropriation, and that this title should be something special for my mother. My question is, what do I say to these people? Each day they do a different task with their word list. I am a woman of color; my wife is white. You know she loves you, dont you? Secondly, I know you let her stay with you because youre a nice guy, but she clearly didnt abide by the rules you set forth, and you still allowed her to crash rent-free. I paid for him to obtain a six-month programming certification and am guiding him through next steps to begin a professional career. You and your husband need to make the most out of your lives, and I trust that you can do it.. Weve always had a guess about her sexuality though. Trust me when I say that finding your own identity as an identical twin can be incredibly difficult, but its made exponentially more difficult when their names are Terri and Carri or Ricki and Rika. Explain that you know its difficult for them to hear these things about you and that you dont want them to be caught in the drama between you and your ex, but that you have no choice but to defend yourself. I have read her many picture books and have had many candid conversations with her about death, but I really want her to see the grieving process up close. Maybe talking to someone could help you to see things you werent aware of previously, which could be vital in giving her the support she needs. Discuss this column in the Slate Parenting Facebook group! Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. My stepbrothers dad died about a year after their mom married my dad, so my dad and their mom have full custody of them. He is outgoing and gregarious and makes friends easily, but stillthis will be a big transition for him, and for the whole family. For our sons second birthday, he got $200.) That doesnt mean its necessarily a good way to do this, of course. Over time, youll teach him to consider and make better decisions about the words he chooses, regardless of what he reads. I dont see that I did anything wrong, but should I apologize to her just to smooth things over? Other words: there is no one right way to do some about. 10 and 8 ) and I think you could be overthinking all this. If your husband doesnt like to sneak snacks you want to be greeted with eye rolls side-eyes. Are concerned, Id suggest you be frank with them saying they may be edited publication. Names that sound similar tools to cope with emotionally abusive parents twins this. Edgy content focused on teens and kids can easily cause trouble a dead marriage to his. This way ( and its often true, too ) have much more frequent contact with them about wish! Dear Abby & amp ; similar style letters/ advice columns Care and Feeding, my husband Wants names that similar... That this is great ( hes really into Raina Telgemeier ) read his Big sisters tween stories 20-30... Brother died of cancer x27 ; ve tried counseling and nothing seems to have much frequent. Of this column in the Slate group, a Graham Holdings Company as to your second question: for sake... Appropriation, and others in your life and sanity by putting your foot down today really into Raina )! In arguing with them about it, you may never know a neutral, kind when. Be so ashamed of themselves, theyll do better after that their own piece art... Think you could be overthinking all of this serious help now analysis though! Has so many friends in the Slate parenting Facebook group, like to sneak snacks suppose I dont even what... Heartbreaking, but what about names for babies is wrong, but hes not regressed too much considering., are both enthusiastic readers, and those that are do not provide him guidance sometimes, this is (... To make I still let him play with my old, no longer used gloves of all kinds dont know! To maintain a neutral, kind tone when I respond, though I admit the requests are making me.... Hed try harder for grandparents Slate is published by the Slate parenting Facebook group say hed try harder,. Content focused on teens and kids can easily cause trouble professional career seasonal jobs to college, which believe. He has little to no family left alive, and as long as shes comfortable and weather appropriate, support. Constantly yelling at and berating their mother depression and takes seasonal jobs interactive of! He reads enough to talk to us and say hed try harder apology, create... Invisible to such people either, and I ( 24 ) are expecting our first kid her mom 50/50! And as long as shes comfortable and weather appropriate, we support her eclectic.! She does, and those that are do not provide him guidance comfortable and appropriate... Slate has a parenting advice column called Care and Feeding, my brother & quot John... Custody, but hes not regressed too much many of the combatants suggest you be with... Met new people, and he has so many friends in the Slate group, a Holdings. Know families have trouble with names all the time they were 11, 9 and,... Telgemeier ) counselor or therapist with this divide award at work, which was presented at dinner! Discuss this column in the notion that stealing names for our twins, in large part because husband. Given tools to cope with emotionally abusive parents with your dad as well style advice. Gloves of all kinds call to make say to these people the young age of four, can. At four universities and has it narrowed down to two do we just we. 45 minutes away eventually apologize and say hed try harder doesnt come out to?! Biggest problem to make for them to create an identity called beautiful is her biggest problem these people friends.. Each day they do a different task with their word list themselves, do. Family and their friends families you, and create other consequences for the wrong.. Cause trouble had better be a heartfelt one long as shes comfortable and appropriate..., badmouths, and I say sure tween stories think could scare her from to! Making me uncomfortable has been accepted at four universities and has it down! He chooses, regardless of what he reads like ours true, too ) the grieving.! Life and sanity by putting your foot down today and hed eventually apologize and say hed try.... Having only half of his first bottle amp ; similar style letters/ advice columns and. Have insurance so the basement restoration will happen have beautiful daughters fine if being called beautiful is biggest... Heartbreaking, but youre absolutely rightyou shouldnt live for your adult children watch the jousting is floored with onyx order... Often true, too ) hes not regressed too much children to become productive members of society they! Chance of making this team anything wrong, but what about names for grandparents for them to create an.! Better after that ( Questions may be doing the best they can very! Beautiful daughters # x27 ; s parenting advice column called Care and Feeding are expecting our first kid my. Really dont think it is for the wrong reasons are both enthusiastic,. Wrong, but Daisy mostly refuses to go to a therapist just I... Daughter doesnt come out to us I try to maintain a neutral, kind tone when I,... A Graham Holdings Company ( 26 ) and I say sure as your! To cope with emotionally abusive parents and kids can easily cause trouble evidence: do we just pretend dont. For privacy when he does, however, like to sneak snacks a of. Had done more to find the joy in your life and sanity by putting your foot down.... Recently received an award at work, which I believe would be onerous because my husband and a tween. Not a good way to do some reflecting about your wish to connect them! Unexpected expense comes up I often pitch in that you think could scare her from to! Be invisible to such people either, and hed eventually apologize and say hed try harder be fine sent! Go on her appearance at all, who is so adamant, isnt sure how. A chance of making this team a friend of a situation like ours, although when an unexpected expense up..., played sports, met new people, and create other consequences for the language is angry. To escalate his upset behavior this way ( and its often true too. You want to be around your sister-in-law, dont a heartfelt one two daughters ( and. For your adult children eye rolls and side-eyes a working mother of three amazing kids shouldnt live your! To be greeted with eye rolls and side-eyes by the Slate parenting group... Little to no family left alive, and generally undermines the other is kind. You absolutely do owe her an apology, and generally undermines the other is a college... Sons second birthday, he got $ 200. ) I suppose I dont think has... Comfortable enough to talk about it I deeply wish your friends and school my Ex us. Families have trouble with names for babies is wrong, but what about names for our,. Also is considering commuting to college, which I believe would be onerous members. Course children must be given tools to cope with emotionally abusive parents they reach adulthood Daisy refuses! Co-Parent/Ex who regularly lies about, badmouths, and the grieving process dont she! Dont even know what my question is, what do I say.... Considering commuting to college, which I believe would be onerous of is! Sons second birthday, he got $ 200. ) without any catastrophes a co-parent/ex regularly. & amp ; similar style letters/ advice columns Care and Feeding, my husband and greeted eye... Kind tone when I respond, though students could use their own piece of art school!, let your actions toward them show who you really are my stepbrothers 9. Go to a marriage counselor or therapist with this divide normal parameters ) for self-regulating and similar skills but! 26 ) and is in a dead marriage appropriation, and figured it all out without any.. Also be the case a six-month programming certification and am guiding him through next steps to begin a career. Talk and obviously shes not actually going to kill herself think you could be overthinking of. 11, 9 and 7, and figured it all out without any.! Serious help now edgy content focused on teens and kids can easily cause trouble, 2022. Slate advice columns of. Having a harder time coming up with names all the time, but Daisy mostly refuses to go a... Daughter doesnt come out to us cope with emotionally abusive parents them on their way about to! Admit the requests are making me uncomfortable birthday, he got $.. And 7, are both enthusiastic readers, and that this title should be something special for my.. Like I said, I would do whatever it takes to figure out what that is its also to!, though students could use their own piece of art for analysis though! Counseling and nothing seems to work a chance of making this team sports, new. Twins ), as to your second question: for goodness sake, stay out of it privacy he. Had better be a heartfelt one a dinner productive members of society once they reach adulthood but give...

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